Reframing our Circumstances: What Happens to Us, Happens for Us!
An old mentor of mine used to say: “The quality of life is not determined by the circumstances.” How are you right now, in this moment, in relation to your circumstances? That is a more helpful question.
Especially now, during the pandemic, disruption and uncertainty are the basis of our day to day work. The priorities are shifting for us, as leaders, and for our teams as they attempt to contribute successfully to the company mission in a meaningful way.
Even before the pandemic, companies were responding quickly to marketplace shifts, new business models and changing goals, demanding an intense level of agility and resilience. This impacts our team members to an exponential degree and leaders need help responding.
Earlier in my coaching career I was working with a client who was experiencing an unusual amount of change and disruption, both at work and at home. At the beginning of our session, he itemized the list of demands and changes that were impacting him and his team. The list for that week went something like this:
“The care models keep changing on us and the team can’t keep up.”
“They are moving us under another department leader that we continuously have conflict with, and now they will be our boss.”
“I have two key employees who had to go out on leave, and I am not allowed to backfill them.”
“My wedding is next month and I don’t know how I can be out for two weeks on a honeymoon.”
“I don’t know why this is all happening to me right now!”
I would not in any way want to put labels on this type of thinking, like victim mentality or victimism, because these events were real and exceedingly difficult to lead to and respond to at the same time. He and his team were suffering.
My natural response as a leader is to problem-solve and wrestle each of those issues to resolution. Most leaders do this automatically. Even today as a coach, I need to resist the temptation to chase the issue, stop and focus on the person instead.
The quality of life is not determined by the circumstances. How can we help leaders move focus away from the circumstances and reframe their perspective on their relation to the circumstances?
In an unusual moment of clarity for me, I realized that using his own language to reflect the circumstances back to him would open the door to reframe the perspective. I stopped for a moment, took a breath, resisted my natural impulses, and asked:
“So all these things are happening to you and your team at the same time?”
“Yes,” he responded.
“What would be different for you if all of these things are happening for you instead?”
There were a few minutes of silence, and I could tell there was a shift.
“What’s happening for you right now,” I asked.
He responded, “Wow, I guess I have to look at this from a larger perspective and figure out how to help my team navigate these changes more easily. None of these issues are stopping or going away.”
Once we were able to move away from the list, and explore his relation to the list, he was able to identify ways to help himself and his team gain skills to better prioritize and respond to their changing environment. He also realized that he didn’t need to sacrifice his honeymoon to solve these issues himself, rather he could ask helpful question to lift up his team to their best thinking.
Sometimes what is needed is a simple reframing of our circumstances. What might be different if…what happens to you actually happens for you?